My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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