Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
