So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Found your dick twin last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
