Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
