you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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