Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
