Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
