What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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