I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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