i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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