I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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