Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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