well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
40s are totally the cure
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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