apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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