There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
