I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
