Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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