my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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