So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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