hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
