just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She needs sedatives and a leash
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
