Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
