anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
