so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
