I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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