her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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