Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
