bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
