We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
