I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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