I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
