I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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