while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
