Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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