I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
