Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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