I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
