I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
this hospital has no fireball
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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