The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
