Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
