C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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