Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
