Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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