So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
