Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
