Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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