Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
