I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
