I puked a lego.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I looked at my own cervix.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i've created a new STD.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
