I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
