Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
