I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
