So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
