life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
