you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
