Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
