I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
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If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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